PALESTINE — Question: I am a young mother of three children, ages 12, 9, and 5. My first husband left me for another woman and divorced me shortly after our first child was born. He was into substance abuse. My second husband was tragically killed in an alcohol-related boating accident two years ago. Now, there is a man at church who is moving closer. My mother is telling me not to get involved with another man and to focus on raising my kids. However, my mother has never had to be a single mom and has never known how lonely and hard it can be. Am I wrong for thinking about pursuing another relationship?



Answer: A good number of young mothers in today's culture find themselves in a similar situation to yours. For whatever reason, they are faced with raising children on their own. Unfortunately, some of them even fall into a cycle of living with one man after another. I am thankful you are not in that cycle. However, others fall into a cycle of marrying one man after another.

    Whether living with one man after another or marrying one man after another, the woman is still in a negative relationship cycle that often has the earmarks of a relationship addiction-desperately needing someone in their lives with the same dysfunction. For instance, sometimes these women will go from one alcoholic man to another. (Men can also fall into these patterns and develop relationships with one dysfunctional woman after another.)

    It sounds as if both your previous husbands had substance abuse issues. From that standpoint alone, I would suggest that you recognize the pattern and not repeat it. Even if this man at church seems wonderful, many good people at church have all sorts of issues they hide.

    Furthermore, your first child has now had two fathers. Your younger two children have had one father. However, if you marry again, your first child will be up to three fathers, with two for your younger children. Many mothers in these situations tell themselves that their kids are fine because they don't manifest full-blown symptoms from the trauma. But in reality, many young children may seem fine, or moderately so, until they become teens. Then, they will start manifesting the relationship addiction patterns of the parents.

    You may be telling yourself that your children need a father. But in reality, what they need more than anything is at least one good, stable parent who will focus on God and them and guide them in the ways of the Lord.

    My grandmother's husband abandoned her in the fifties. She worked as a seamstress and raised her three children alone in an era when there was little assistance. She had opportunities to remarry but chose not to because her first husband was an alcoholic and she didn't want to take the chance on another negative situation for her children. She committed her life to Christ and to the church and resolved to stand alone. And she made it!

    I am not saying that there are some situations where God does provide a magnificent husband and father for a single mother. There are still some wonderful men in our midst. However, in most cases, I advise mothers in situations like yours to focus on raising their children and to develop a deep and satisfying relationship with God. This will take hours a week. If you have time to date, you have time to develop intimacy with the Lord. Then you will find that He will be your spiritual husband and the father to your children; and He will also provide some great male role models for them to emulate.



    The author of 54 books, Debra White Smith holds an M.A. from U.T. and is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com. Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com