PALESTINE — Question: I was married to a woman who was emotionally and verbally abusive. She slapped me often, and on one occasion went so out-of-control that she got a gun and threatened to shoot me. At that point, I realized she was mentally ill, but she refused to seek treatment; furthermore, her parents refused to believe there was anything wrong with her. We went to numerous marriage conferences and I read all the books I could get my hands on, but nothing I tried worked. I didn't call the police the time she became so violent, so I have no proof, except my word against hers, and she's denying anything like that ever happened. On top of everything else, I discovered that she had had several affairs and she didn't show any signs of stopping the behavior. With all that said, I finally filed for divorce. But this only lead to more spiritual and psychological abuse from my ex-wife's family and our whole church community. Somehow, I got labeled as the villain in this situation, and my wife is believed to be the victim. Granted, she has a way of acting like an angel in public; and that's what pulled me in in the first place. She also is adept at covering her tracks like you can't believe, but I can promise you she has been unfaithful and did threaten to kill me. Now, I have been judged and verbally chastised for finally drawing the line after 15 years of misery. I am astounded that a whole community of believers could be so deceived by her and her entire family. We live in a small town where my in-laws are a prominent family, and I sometimes feel like half the town is against me. My ex-wife has twisted the whole situation around and now is blaming me for all the stuff she did. I did get custody of our children, which should speak volumes, but somehow that has made me even more the bad guy. Now, when our kids go to be with their mom and attend her church, they are told by the church that I abandoned my duties as a husband and that God will judge and punish me. I am stressed and pressed with what to do. I feel trapped and moving is not an option, since I have a good job and those aren't easy to come by these days. Any thoughts from you would be appreciated.

Answer: You have just described a nightmare classic abuse case. In most abusive situations, the victim is always blamed. When one spouse beats another, the abuser will say something like, “I wouldn't have hit you, but you had it coming because you overspent,” or “It's all your fault I feel this way and so you deserve to be verbally attacked.” Years ago, children were even blamed for being molested. Instead of people placing the blame where it should be, on the abuser, they transfer the blame to the victim and let him/her serve as the scapegoat for the crime/sin. This is called enabling the abuser.

Many times, abusers can come across as the nicest, smoothest, most endearing people on the planet in public, but in private they turn into a demon. Sometimes, this is linked to learned behavior, and the abuser acting out what has been done to them. Sometimes, it's linked to a chemical imbalance of the brain that we define as mental illness. Many times, it's both. There are people who are only marginally mentally ill and can function in the real world, hold down a job, and even appear to be normal in public. But in private, they are a monster to live with. This is called a Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde behavioral pattern.

These chemical imbalances and behavioral patterns often run in families; and too many times the family members feel the need to cover for each other. I would hazard to guess that your in-laws know that their daughter has a problem because one (or both) of them may have a similar problem. To admit their daughter has a problem would mean they might have to take responsibility for their own behavior and own issues when they try to get help for her. Denial often runs deep in such situations. Therefore, they must find someone on whom they can fiercely project the blame for the whole problem. The abuse becomes an air-tight case when the perpetrators can wrap it up in Scripture and use the Bible as the ultimate weapon.

Think hard and I'm sure you will recognize the pattern from previous situations that didn't involve you. Often, people manifesting these behavioral tendencies will villainize others, especially if they have had a negative experience with someone. The whole episode then becomes the other person's fault because the other person is evil and bad to the core. Unfortunately, these “evil people” are usually just normal folks who had the audacity to draw a line on the abuser.

In this case, that's you. As you stated, you really are in a stressful place that isn't going to vanish. Here are tips that I hope will help you survive:  

1. Revisit your decision not to move. The healthiest thing for you is to put some serious geographic space between you and the situation. Since this has turned into a big scandal, you need to start over fresh with people who don't know you and won't judge you. Search hard and long and try your best to find another job in a distant city. It's the most emotionally healthy thing for you to do. Even if you have to lower your standard of living, there's no amount of money worth compromising quality of life.

2. Be honest with your kids. We have a tendency to protect our kids, and I'm not saying that is a bad thing. But in this situation they are being indoctrinated with lies. Don't be afraid to tell them the truth. There is a valid reason the judge awarded you custody of the children. Use logic and reason to counterbalance the emotionally-driven accusations. Kids are way more savvy that we realize.

3. Limit your interaction with your in-laws and ex-wife as much as possible. If you have a close friend or family member who is willing to take your kids for their visitation times, then rely on that person to help you. Accept that you are being villainized. No matter what you say or how nice you are, there's no way you are going to do anything but give them more fodder for false accusations.

4. Complete the emotional disconnect. Understand that as long as you dwell on these people and what they are saying that you are only giving them control over you mentally. Pray that God will guide you in ways you can fully disconnect and find emotional and mental freedom.

5. Pray that God will reveal the truth in His time and exonerate your reputation.

6. Pray for your ex-wife and her family, that they will find healing and deliverance and get some help. Pray for their best and pray that God will place people in their lives to help them. These kinds of prayers will help both them and you and will fulfill Luke 6:28.

7. Realize that there is a chance that one of your children may manifest symptoms of a mental disorder, since these things do run in families. In that case, be strong enough not to go into the denial mode yourself. Seek the care of a professional.

8. Even if both your kids are mentally healthy, get some counseling for you and them together.

————

The author of 53 books, Debra White Smith is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com.

Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com