ELKHART — QUESTION: The church I attend has had several different pastors before I joined. The new pastor is a very godly man. He and his wife are wonderful, but the problem is that I am afraid those members that always complain will run him off. My wife and I are very involved and have many responsibilities. We cannot even go out of town. We open up the church, turn on the air, and close the church. She visits all the sick and elderly. My wife is a wonderful Christian woman, but I am afraid some of these people will burn her out. I have commitments at the church as well, as much as I can with a full-time job. We are trying to get youth in our church but I don't think most of these people care one way are the other. I am ready to leave. So many churches are in trouble today. Most of these members just want the church there when they want it. I am discouraged by these people. I ask God to show us where He wants us to serve Him. Please give me your opinion on what we should do.



ANSWER: I would love to tell you that your scenario is the exception and that most churches understand the need for every member to work together for God's kingdom. Unfortunately, what you have described is more the norm than the exception. Too many churches have become a social club for the spiritually comfortable, rather than an outreach headquarters for the spiritually needy.

Members in these churches don't ask, “What can I do for my church,” but “What can my church do for me?” Then, they gripe when the church doesn't meet all their needs exactly as they think it should. The disturbing fact is that this attitude is rooted in a deeper problem. When people have a me-centered attitude toward their church, it starts with a me-centered attitude toward God. Their mantra is, “I'm not in a relationship with Christ for Him to use me, I'm in the relationship for me to use Him…or for what I can get out of Him.”

As you mentioned, these people often complain more than not, just as the Children of Israel complained and grumbled, even after they witnessed God's miraculous deliverance from slavery (Exodus 16). Constant complaining is a symptom of self-centered thanklessness that focuses on what's wrong with a situation, rather than what is right. Simply put, a person can't be thankful and gripe and complain at the same time.

I understand your desire to leave the church. What you've described makes me want to leave, and I don't even attend there. But before you exit, try to earnestly pray for the core problem: the self-centeredness and lack of vision the people are manifesting. Pray for your pastor as well. Share your concerns with him and his wife, and commit to praying together for a healthier dynamic in your church. In the process, be careful that you don't fall prey to being critical of critical people; then, you participate in their sin. Begin to beseech God for their spiritual well-being. Understand that the Lord placed that church on earth to do something for His kingdom. Ask the Lord to begin to make the changes that will focus the whole congregation on what He wants and give them the spiritual insight to view your church as a haven for the spiritually needy.

With all that said, I was privileged to ghost-collaborate on a book titled, The Pastor's Playbook, with Dr. Stan Toler and Larry Gilbert.  Based on the concepts found in 1 Corinthians 12:12-27, this book encourages pastors to think about managing church members' spiritual gifts as if the pastor were a coach. In other words, it's like the church members are playing on a baseball team. The pastor (or even one church member) cannot play every position on the field. When one person tries to play every position, then burnout happens fast. We know that if a baseball team tried to compete with only one or two players on the field and the rest sitting in the stands as spectators, the few members who were playing would fall on their faces and the team would never win. Likewise, a church will never fully function with only one or two people trying to do everything, while the rest sit on the sidelines as spectators. Too many churches have fallen into this trap and therefore stagnate in growth on all levels.

Presently, your congregation is in the stands as spectators. In order for your church to grow and change, the spectators are going to have to be coached and then placed on the field in a position. As long as you and your wife continue to run yourselves ragged for the people in this church, they will let you! While it is time to pray, it's also time to change the patterns that have dogged you and this church. Encourage your pastor to build a team that will work together, rather than sit in the stands and watch while the pastor and you play all the positions.

The problem many face at this point, though, is that in order to develop a team, the pastor and working laymen have to allow someone to play a position without trying to over-control or micromanage the person's job. And too many times, those in charge cannot release control. This only entrenches the one-or-two-person-team mentality. For instance, when a baseball coach sends a team member to outfield or first base or shortstop, he has to release the player to do their best. Likewise, when a pastor trains and sends a church member to a position, that person has to be released to do their best. That means the church member might not do a perfect job, he or she might mess up, but as long as nothing immoral, abusive, or illegal is going on, the pastor allows the person to fill their spot to the best of their ability without moving in to make changes and override every decision that person makes. When pastors and leading laymen can't release control, then the people who try to play their positions will become disheartened and move to the stands where they remain as spectators.

    There's a twenty-eighty rule in churches in America right now. That means twenty percent of the people are doing eighty percent of the work. In healthy churches, eighty percent or more of the people are doing all the work except what the pastor's specific duties entail. In these churches, people feel free to minister and use their spiritual gifts because their pastor is a constant source of coaching and encouragement.

Breaking a church out of the twenty-eighty rule is a process that begins with prayer. But it also begins with a pastor and main church workers who are willing to release control to God and empower others to fully serve Him.

Before you leave your church, my first suggestion would be for you and your wife together to decide what duties constitute a balanced schedule for you and your family. Then, commit to doing only those duties. The rest of the duties will have to be covered by other church members, or the jobs won't get done. After creating the world, even God himself rested (Genesis 2:2-3). If you are so overloaded with church duties that you can't spend at least part of your Sabbath in rest, then something is way out of balance. My first suggestion would be for the pastor to create a signup sheet so that different people take turns opening and closing the church, taking care of the lawn, and even church cleaning. Also, there should be a list of those who are willing to visit the sick and contact visitors. Hopefully, your new pastor will embrace your vision for delegating and coaching others to be team players.

Realize that it might take as long as two years before the church fully grasps the concepts I've outlined. However, if after a season of prayer and trying to get the church members to think like a team, the dynamics haven't changed and show no sign of changing, then it might be time to consider joining another congregation. If you do decide to leave, do so only because you know for certain it is God's plan. If you leave in a state of emotional and spiritual burnout and disgust because you've allowed others to heap too much work on you, then chances are high you'll repeat the pattern at another church. Start breaking the pattern now, and hopefully you can remain in balance no matter where you attend.

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The author of 53 books, Debra White Smith is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com.

Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com