QUESTION: My friend has a son whom she believed was nearly perfect his whole childhood. But when he turned sixteen, he went from perfection to full-blown rebel. In the last four years, he has been almost impossible to manage—traffic violations, girls, wild parties, and little responsibility. He’s even gone to jail for public intoxication. I knew this kid when he was young, and I thought he was perfect too! He fooled me just like he did his mother. The reason I’m so dismayed is because I have a daughter who has seemed near-perfect as well. She’s twelve now, and has given me no trouble whatsoever. I worry that she might do what my friends’ son has done. I need to know if there’s any way I can prevent the same thing happening.



ANSWER: The phenomenon you have described fits more kids than parents often want to suspect…or  admit. Sometimes good kids that come across nearly perfect really are in rebellion their whole childhood. However, they hide it under a layer of pleasant respect. Instead of blatantly breaking rules, they just barely break rules in a calm manner. Such rebellion is underhanded, subtle, and if unchecked, just as detrimental to a child’s character as uncorrected blatant rebellion.

Kids who disobey in such a manner are engaging in micro-rebellion. Micro-rebellion is the opposite of open or macro-rebellion. For instance, let’s say you mop the kitchen floor and tell your two kids not to step on the wet floor. You also promise them a Popsicle if they will avoid the floor until it’s dry. Both children stand on the edge of the kitchen, just dying to do exactly what you said not to. The macro-rebellion child finally can’t stand it, and he/she runs to the middle of the kitchen, stomps all over the wet floor, and hits the back yard because he/she knows mom or dad is going to be mad. The parent, exasperated over the child’s disrespect, declares,  “You can kiss your Popsicle goodbye!” However, the micro-rebellion child smiles up at the parent and places only a few toe prints on the wet floor. If the parent even notices the violation, he/she often downplays it and the child winds up with a Popsicle anyway…because it wasn’t that big of a violation. In reality, the micro violation is as significant as the macro. Breaking a rule, even if it’s a tiny, passive offense, is still breaking a rule; and the same consequences still apply.

Macro-rebellion is much easier to recognize because it’s out front, in the open, in your face. Most parents acknowledge macro-rebellion while many parents ignore, excuse or just plain miss micro-rebellion. That’s what makes it so serious. Kids who engage in micro-rebellion establish a long-term pattern of getting away with violating parental authority. Then, once they become senior high students, they appear to change into a completely different child when in reality, they’ve been ignoring their parents their whole lives.

A driving force behind this problem is that too many times parents need to believe their micro-rebellion child is “perfect” for what could be a variety of reasons. So, they convince themselves that the child is perfect and wind up denying all manner of underhanded disobedience. Sometimes this happens because the parent is prideful and wants his/her child to be better than relatives or neighbors’ children in order to one-up them. Sometimes, the parent is insecure and needs to believe the child is exemplary in order to prove he/she really is a good parent. However, other parents have made wrong choices and can’t accept that their choices have detrimentally affected their child. So they create a scenario in their mind where their child is indeed flawless and ignore any signs to the contrary. Whatever their reason, such parents reject all evidence that contradicts their claims of a perfect child.   

As for your daughter, pay close attention to her behavior. For instance, you tell her to turn off the T.V. by 7:00 and do homework or you’ll ground her from TV for 24 hours. She sweetly says, “Okay mom!” but does she do what you say? Or does she ignore 7:00, watch TV until 8:30, and then apologize or respectfully say, “I didn’t understand you” or “I forgot”? And when she shows such respect and kindness after stomping your boundary, do you enforce the consequences or let it slide? Too many times micro-rebellion kids make a career out of manipulating their parents into not enforcing consequences. Then, by the time they’re 16, it’s such a way of life they finally believe there never will be any parental consequences, so they go public with their rebellion.  

My main advice to you is to pay close attention to your daughter’s behavior. There are some kids whose parents have done a phenomenal job. By the time they’re 12-14 they have learned that it’s in their best interest to obey, and they behave in a genuinely respectful manner. I hope your daughter is one of these high-character kids.

But if you see a subtle hint of rebellion, covered with respectful kindnesses, then enforce the consequences you’ve established, no matter how sweet she is. It’s okay to be firmly honest and say something like, “Even if you are nice about it, disobedience is still disobedience and the consequences still apply.” If your daughter is manifesting micro-rebellion and you don’t take firm measures now, then you very likely will wind up in the same situation as your friend.

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The author of 53 books, Debra White Smith is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com.

Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com