PALESTINE — QUESTION: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I am a Christian, and he claims to be, although he doesn’t live close to biblical concepts. Our church teaches that a wife is to be in submission to her husband, and I have worked hard to stay submissive. Now, my husband has asked me to do something immoral with him. He is saying that I am supposed to submit to him and what he wants, even if it violates the Word of God. I’m really upset. I want to be a godly wife. If I don’t submit to him, I’m in violation of Scripture. If I do submit to him, I’m in violation of scripture. Please let me know what you think.

ANSWER:  First, the healthiest marriage concepts start with the teachings of Jesus Christ. All Scripture on all subjects must be interpreted in a way that doesn’t violate what Jesus taught. Too many times, well-meaning Christians strip mine the Word of God to prove preconceived ideas or concepts, sometimes based on yesterday’s culture, sometimes based on a self-elevating or sinful thought process. The formula for constructing such concepts is: 1) Decide what you want to teach 2) Hop through Scripture and pick out a few verses that fit your concepts 3) Ignore any passages that contradict the concepts 4) Ignore most or all of what Jesus said 5) Or just use Christ’s teachings as an afterthought, like a dash of salt for good measure on an already cooked meal.

Understand, this is the formula that U.S. church groups used to validate slavery. Since church members wanted to own slaves and subordinate a whole race, they went to the Word of God and chose a few Old Testament verses that talked about slavery. Then, they jumped to Paul’s talking about slaves submitting to their masters (Ephesians 6:5, NASB). By then ignoring Jesus, they had an “air tight,” “biblical” case for owning slaves.

The problem is Jesus Christ was right in the middle of it all, saying radical things like, “Treat people the way you want to be treated” (Matthew 7:12), “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34), “Humble yourself as a child” (Matthew 18:1-4)  “Don’t even call yourselves masters or leaders,” (Matthew 23:10), and “Don’t think in terms of hierarchy or one-upmanship; be a servant” (Luke 22:24-27). Instead of consulting Christ on whether they should own slaves, slave owners ignored Him and used God’s Word as validation for their sin of racism and abuse.

Church members succumb to the ultimate deception when they believe sin is truth because it’s wrapped in carefully-chosen Scripture. This is the same method of deception the serpant used in the Garden of Eden to twist what God said (Genesis 3:1-5). These type concepts produce bondage, dysfunction, and anything but the freedom and love that Christ spoke of.

With all that said, sometimes churches can do the same thing in their approach to marriage. When biblical marriage concepts are healthy, they will not violate what Jesus Christ taught. As Christians, we believe Jesus was the sinless Son of God. Therefore, He must be the guide on everything we believe, including marriage. Any time any concepts are based on self-elevation and subordinating another person…whether in marriage or slavery…they are in violation of the heart of Christ. It’s hard to put yourself last when you are insisting that other people be subordinated to you. Too many times Genesis 3:16 is used to prove that God’s ordained role is for men to rule their wives. The problem is, when marriage is based on this Scripture, it is based on the fallout of sin, rather than Christ’s love. When marriages are based on sin, they deteriorate because sin destroys.

Around the church, Christian women are often just as guilty of attitudes that don’t line up with the heart of Christ. The radical feminist attitude that “Women rule; men drool,” is a sin-based thought process that debilitates marriage. And even though I could strip mine the Word of God to prove women are superior to men, I would never do that because that attitude violates Christ’s heart of servanthood.

With all that said, Ephesians 5:21 clearly calls both husbands and wives to be in submission to each other. When healthy submission is taught, it is viewed as unconditional love in action, not a tool for power, control, or subordination. In this context, submission is a beautiful thing and breads freedom in marriage. Furthermore, this view of submission and marriage is wholly in alignment with the teachings of Jesus Christ.

When couples come to me for counseling, one of the first places I start is with Christ’s Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (Matthew 7:12). If everyone in the south had just followed this one biblical concept, the issue of slavery would have never been an issue. When both husbands and wives wholly embrace and live out this one concept, it stops much of the struggle over power, control, and submission issues because it forces both mates to ask themselves if they want the marriage concepts and/or attitudes they’ve embraced to be applied to them.

Remember, the Bible is a collection of checks and balances. If you ignore the checks, you lose the balance.

There are many of the faithful throughout history who have found themselves in a situation similar to yours. For instance, when Darius issued a decree not to pray, Old Testament hero, Daniel, chose to remain true to God, rather than obey a sin-based law. Even though Scripture admonishes us to submit to societal authorities (1 Peter 2:13-14), Christians throughout history have chosen to obey the eternal truths of the Word of God, rather than submit to a sinful government (Acts 5:29). Likewise, as a wife, you do have a responsibility to submit to your husband, just as he does to you. But neither of you is called to submit to sin (Romans 6:12). Your first allegiance is to Jesus Christ and the moral standards of God’s Word.

Understand that if you submit to the sin your husband wants you to participate in, you will not only open the door of your heart to all-manner of emotional and spiritual chaos, you will ultimately lose your husband’s respect. Despite the fact that he is pressuring you to sin with him, in the end he will use this very sin against you as grounds for disdaining you. If you submit to his sin, you are not only embracing sin yourself, you are enabling him to sin as well.

I suggest that you kindly, but firmly tell him no, and let him know that submission and love go hand-in-hand and that if he really loves you he wouldn’t ask you to participate in sin. When a man loves his wife with Christ’s sacrificial love, thoughts of subordinating her or asking her to sin will be abhorrent to him. The first sign that a man hasn’t even tasted this level of love is that he insists on subordinating or disrespecting the very person he is supposed to cherish (Ephesians 5:25-31). I also suggest that you get him a red-lettered edition of the Word of God (the words of Christ will be in red); ask him to read the teachings of Christ. Ask him what he thinks Jesus would do in your shoes. Remind him that Christ said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and that you don’t pressure him to do things he doesn’t want to do and you are asking him for the same respect.

Don’t be surprised if he refuses to read Jesus. At this point, Jesus is probably the last person he wants to consult. Nevertheless, make the choice available to him.

In the process, daily pray for your husband. The bigger issue here is that he is not where he needs to be spiritually. Your compromising biblical moral standards will do nothing toward inspiring him to wholly dedicate himself to Christ; it will have the absolute opposite effect and has the potential of destroying you in the process.

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The author of 53 books, Debra White Smith is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com.

Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com