QUESTION: I have been friends with a woman for over 20 years. A few weeks ago we fell into a conflict over her daughter. She asked me what I thought about a sticky situation and I was pressed to tell her the truth, which wasn’t pretty. My answer was biblically based, and this woman claims to be a Christian. Nevertheless, she didn’t appreciate my answer or insight and blew up on me. At that point, we both said some things we shouldn’t have. Since then, I have tried to call her twice, but she hangs up on me. I am grieved about this situation and want to know what to do. I want to reconcile with her, but I also know I can’t apologize for truth without compromising what I believe.

ANSWER: You are right. You should never apologize for truth. Unfortunately, sometimes stating truth will cause conflict or even broken relationships. That is why Christ said, “Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn ‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household,’” (Matthew 10:34-36). Sometimes, embracing truth will cause the end of relationships. The closer we walk to Christ, the more like Him we grow. The more we grow and become like Him, the less we have in common with those who aren’t walking with Him. Unfortunately, this can lead to situations where stating truth ends relationships with friends or even relatives.

There are several places in the Bible where Jesus speaks of peace to his followers, such as Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” John 14:27 states, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” Christ is also proclaimed as the Prince of Peace. And He does bring his followers inner peace. He also calls us to “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone,” (Hebrews 12:14). Therefore, while embracing His inner peace, we must strive for peace in all relationships. But compromising truth for the sake of peace is never an option.

With all that said, I recommend that you make every effort to place yourself in a position with your friend to foster a spirit of reconciliation. Let her know that you are available to talk about the issues and reconcile, if she is available. While I don’t recommend that you apologize for truth or take responsibility for the whole conflict, it is appropriate for you to apologize for your contribution to the conflict. For instance, even if you did state truth, is it possible that you could have stated it more graciously than you did? However, in all fairness, be careful that you don’t take full blame for the whole situation. In doing so, you will be enabling her bad behavior and inability to accept truth.

Since you have already attempted to phone her with no success, I recommend that you mail her an encouraging card. If you think there’s a chance she might throw away the card when she sees your return address, consider not including a return address. Write a personal note in the card that goes something like this, “I want you to know that I regret our conflict, and that I am sorry for my part in it. I do believe I stated biblical truth when you asked my advice. However, if I came across any way but loving, please forgive me. I am praying we can resolve this issue between us, and I will be waiting to hear back from you. For all the years of our friendship, I have been as close as your telephone, and I still am.”

Once your friend receives the card, she will respond in one of several ways:

1. She’ll remain silent, and you’ll never hear from her again.

2. She will grow hostile and verbally attack you by mail or phone.

3. She’ll step forward and be willing to accept truth and take responsibility for her side of the conflict.

4. She will come back into your life, never mention the conflict, and pretend that nothing ever happened.

If she doesn’t respond and you don’t hear back from her, then rest in God’s grace and know that you have gone the extra mile in trying to live at peace with her. If she hurls at you again, bow out as gracefully as possible. Don’t do or say anything that you will have to apologize for later. If she is willing to apologize for her side of the conflict and embrace the truth you spoke, then fully reconcile with her.

However, if she expects to move forward as if nothing ever happened without acknowledging her part in the conflict, then consider putting firm boundaries on her and placing significant distance on your relationship. Her pretending that nothing happened is a passive way of proclaiming that you were to blame for the conflict, but she wasn’t. In this mindset, she will repeat the behavior and you will most likely wind up in a cycle of taking the blame for her negative actions and attitudes. If you allow yourself to be sucked into such a cycle, then you will be violating Ephesians 4:14-15 which mentions “speaking the truth in love” as well as not becoming the victims of “people’s deceitful scheming.” In the end, keeping her a close friend while she refuses to accept responsibility for her actions leaves you living a lifestyle of compromising truth as a means to gain peace. And Jesus Christ never supported such a lifestyle by His actions or His words.

Whatever the outcome, remember to fulfill Luke 6:27-28 by blessing her and praying for her. Also in the spirit of these verses, ask God to create an opportunity for you to do good for her in a balanced and emotionally healthy way that won’t lead to your taking responsibility for her issues. Also, daily beseech God for her and her daughter to find freedom and have the courage to embrace truth.

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The author of 53 books, Debra White Smith is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com.

Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com