Question: I am the mother of an infant ( 9 months) and would like to find a church home for my son and me. I worry about visiting churches with my baby. I have visited churches in the past, before my little bundle of joy arrived, that encouraged the babies to be in the congregation and others that prefer them in the nursery. I want to have a church home for myself and little one but need advice on the right first step.

Answer: I recall when my son was small. He was never one of those quiet babies who could sit through a service and never make a peep. I remember one church where it was fairly clear to me that the leadership expected babies and children to be perfectly behaved. There was little tolerance for a child to be a child. Then, I remember the church where the pastor jokingly said, “The reason the back pews are so long is so that moms can sit back there with toddlers and they can run up and down the pew.” Ironically, the church that expected perfect children had a large nursery with paid employees; the pastor who laughed off high-energy kids on the back pew was at a tiny church with a nursery room but no nursery workers. Even though my son never literally ran up and down the pew, there were a few services I felt like I was doing church aerobics with him; and that was fine with the congregation and pastor. I felt comfortable having my child in that church. The main issue isn’t so much whether or not a church has a strong nursery setup, but whether or not the people and pastor have a true heart for children. I do understand your concern and believe it is valid.

Therefore, begin to use a process of elimination to determine what church is right for you. My first suggestion would be for you to decide whether you want your baby to sit in church with you or not. Some mothers want to keep their children in church while others prefer a nursery. So first ask yourself which you prefer. If you would rather keep your baby with you, then you can automatically eliminate any church that requires you to place him in the nursery. If you would rather place him in a nursery, you can eliminate all churches that don’t have a nursery. (Some smaller churches may not have an active nursery, but they will make provisions when needed.) The healthiest attitude and balance from a church will be that the nursery is available if you want to place your son there; but leaving your child in the nursery is not mandatory.

We live in a highly churched part of the country. Many people you encounter every day probably attend church somewhere: friends, family, neighbors, co-workers. Begin to ask a few folks where they attend church. Once the conversation has been opened, question them about their church’s policy regarding babies. Based on these conversations, create a list of churches you’d like to visit.

If a church seems like a good prospect, call ahead before you visit. Ask the pastor or secretary about their church’s “baby scene.” During the conversation, pay close attention to the clues that are dropped. If there is hesitancy or a lack of interest in your questions, then chances are high that church may not be for you. Pay attention to the phrases that are used in regard to babies and children. If the terms and word-choices are more rigid or judgmental, then chances are high that church isn’t as tolerant of babies as another might be.

Also, during the call, ask if the church has a children’s program. Furthermore, find out if the church has an outreach to children in the community whose parents may not attend the church. This is important for a variety of reasons. Your baby is going to grow up and you will want him to be with other children—whether they are outreach kids or children who belong to members. However, if a church is participating in a strong outreach to children in the community, that church will have a higher tolerance for non-perfect babies. Outreach children can be rowdy and hard-to-manage and they don’t always show immediate positive results from the time invested in them. If a church body is tolerant of rowdy children who may or may not know how to behave in church, then that same church will be tolerant of your baby when he acts like a baby.

Next, don’t be shy about visiting different churches. Once you have a list of prospective churches made, visit a different church every week until you find a place you feel loved, accepted, and comfortable. You will know after one visit what the atmosphere of any given church is like. A healthy church will be thrilled to see a young mother and son visiting; so don’t let the process intimidate you. Be proactive! Don’t get discouraged if you have a bad experience either. Be diligent!

I saved this last suggestion for last, but it is the most important. Begin to pray that God will direct your steps. God wants you in church, and He wants you to raise your son in church. A healthy church experience will be like a second family for you and your little one, and God knows this. Therefore, He will direct you to the church that is the best for you. If you begin the whole process with a heavy dose of prayer and weave prayer throughout, you may be surprised to see just how quickly God directs your steps. The right church may be only one visit away.

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The author of 53 books, Debra White Smith is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com.

Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com