PALESTINE — Question: I had a traumatic, abusive childhood, but I have put it behind me and I don't want to think about it. My wife knows about my childhood and keeps bringing it up. She seems to think I need to deal with the past. But as far as I'm concerned, the past is in the past and I don't see that it has any bearing on me now. My wife is demanding that I go to counseling and is threatening to leave if I don't. I feel pushed, irritated, and exasperated. Thoughts of digging up all that pain leave me in a near panic. I don't want to lose my marriage, but I also can't stand the thought of being pressured into delving into the past. I feel cornered. Please tell me what I should do.  

Answer: I am reminded of a story about my friend, Frances Shaw. She was a retired widow who lived in a townhouse by herself. My husband, Daniel, and I often stopped by her house to assist her any way we could. One evening, she called me with a distressing story. There was a strange beeping sound in her house that was driving her nuts. At first she thought the smoke alarm was malfunctioning and called her landlord. He sent a repairman to check out the problem. After some investigation, the repairman concluded that the smoke alarm was definitely not the source of the beep. He then inspected the air conditioner vents and decided the beep was coming from the attic.

The repairman came back the next day wearing hip boots and carrying his flashlight. With a lighted miners' band around his head, he crawled up into the attic. After a futile hour of finding nothing, he concluded that the beep must be coming from the refrigerator. A refrigerator repairman soon arrived to annihilate the tormenting tone. But alas-he, too, failed. After three weeks of suffering the frustrating beep, Frances was beginning to think she might lose her mind.

That's when she called me. I assured her that we would stop by and that I fully believed my “mechanical genius” husband would be able to detect and destroy the beep. The evening we stopped by, Frances came to the door wringing her hands, eyes glazed with irritation. In the background, the faithful beep sounded every few minutes.

Daniel tuned his ears and began walking slowly around the duplex apartment. Amid a host of chuckles, he finally narrowed the noise to the vicinity of a storage closet near the den.

Frances was certain nothing in the storage closet could be beeping. Nevertheless, Daniel opened the closet and began to explore. Frances joined him and finally stumbled upon a crumpled shopping bag that had been left by the former tenant. Slowly, she opened the bag-and discovered the source of the beep. Inside the forgotten bag was a spare smoke detector with a spent battery. She shook with relieved laughter as Daniel removed the battery and forever solved her beep problem.

Understand that buried emotions have a way of surfacing. Like the beeping smoke detector slowly unnerved my fried, buried pain will gnaw at the soul. If your wife is so adamant about your exploring your past, then you are probably “beeping” and you don't realize it. Too often, we can even act out behavior from our past without realizing the impact we are having on the ones we love the most. It's the people we are closest to that are often the most affected by our issues. If you have buried the pain from your childhood, chances are higher than not that your issues are hurting your wife and your marriage. While it does sound to me like you do need to go to counseling, by this point, your wife might benefit from some counseling as well.

Even though the prospect of delving into the past might be scary, an even scarier prospect is the thought of your past derailing your future. Burying your pain and pretending it doesn't exist won't put the past behind you. Digging through it will if you allow God to heal your emotions and memories. And as you journey through, remember, “Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning,” Psalm 30:5.



The author of 54 books, Debra White Smith holds an M.A. from U.T. and is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com. Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com