QUESTION Thanks for your article on codependency. I have realized that I am in a codependent relationship with my adult child and have several similar relationships in my church. I am struggling with knowing how to balance Christ's teachings on servanthood with some of the information you are sharing. I've always been taught that as a Christian I am supposed to serve others; so I have pretty much served my brains out. But now I'm realizing that that has created a problem with those who now think I should do things for them they can and should do for themselves. Can you please tell me how I can fulfill Christ's message on serving others without it leading to codependency?

ANSWER: Yes, Christ did teach servanthood. His words from Luke 22:27 come to mind, “For who is greater, the one who is at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who is at the table? But I am among you as one who serves.” However, to get a good grasp on healthy servanthood it's important to understand the difference between a servant and a slave. There are a couple of key components that provide a line of demarcation between the two concepts: voice and choice.

A servant has a voice. A slave does not. Jesus Christ is a clear example of this. As a supreme servant, He laid down his life for mankind, but He never backed down from stating truth. His voice was heard loud and clear. He was a servant, not a slave.

A slave is owned and forced to do labor. A servant maintains autonomy and has a choice in whether or not he/she will serve. That is why biblical servanthood is so beautiful. True servanthood happens when we choose to lower ourselves to the point of sacrificing our own needs and desires for the betterment of others.

When you approach servanthood in a codependent mindset, then you become a slave. You serve without a choice or voice. You allow other people to be the voice of what is going to enter your life and choose what happens to you. You just silently do their bidding to support their dysfunctions. Even if you do express your opinion or complain, in the end you still let the other party have what they want; so you might as well have remained silent because you didn't enforce your words with actions. Unlike biblical servanthood, slavery does nothing for the ultimate betterment of others. Slavery actually contributes to the detriment of others because it does nothing to empower them to reach their highest potential, and it does everything toward ensuring they stay a dependent.

Healthy servanthood involves boundaries and an immediate awareness of dependent patterns should they appear. For instance, if you do something kind for someone at church that doesn't mean you should alter your whole identity and schedule and life for them. If they start barging into your life, calling at all hours, and expecting you to drop everything for them, and you don't put boundaries on them, you've gone from servant to slave. Once you do serve someone, pay attention to their response. If they just ask for another round of whatever you have to offer with little or no thanks or reciprocation, then chances are high they will expect you to be their slave in the near future. None of that is to say we should expect reciprocation when we give selflessly. In the context of servanthood, healthy reciprocation could involve a thank you note from the one served or even baked goods as a thanks for a major act of manual labor. In other words, the one served respectfully acknowledges your choice to serve them.

Some of the boundaries I use in my own life to ensure I remain in a healthy servant mode, rather than a dysfunctional slave mode include:

1. Be very cautious about responding to a monetary crisis with money. Many times those trying to take advantage of servants spin a dreadful story that involves a medical emergency, a small child, and a dire need for gas money. In “addict” language, this translates, “I need money for my drugs or alcohol.”

2. If you help someone out of the goodness of your heart, don't let a pattern develop of your doing the same thing for them as a lifestyle, unless it's someone who genuinely can't do the job for themselves. For instance, you offer to mow your neighbor's yard for free while he's away on vacation. When he gets back from vacation, he starts asking you to mow his yard for free while he sits inside and watches TV. If you say, “yes,” you've just crossed the line from servant to slave. If your neighbor breaks both legs and you mow his yard the whole time he's down, then you are a servant, and this is the kind of stuff that pleases Jesus. The key question is: Can or should the person I'm doing things for do these things for themselves on a regular basis? If the answer is yes, then don't take regular responsibility for their stuff.

3. Don't allow guilt to drive your servanthood. People looking for someone to depend upon often bank on the other person feeling guilty for not helping them. They might even hurl guilt at you. Don't absorb the guilt and don't allow yourself to be manipulated by it. For instance, just because a mother may not have made some parenting mistakes, that doesn't give the child a license to live as an irresponsible adult.

4. Ask God to give you His balanced compassion along with the insight not to allow irresponsible people to make you feel sorry for them when they blatantly refuse to take responsibility for their own lives.

5. Live and give generously, serve as Christ did, but make sure it's motivated by the Holy Spirit's wisdom, not the fear of “what might happen to this person if I don't rescue them once again.”

6. Remember, saying “no” when you suspect someone is trying to take advantage of you is not a mortal sin.

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The author of 53 books, Debra White Smith is the featured relationship specialist on the Fox News Radio Show, “Plain Jane Wisdom.” She and her husband, Daniel, co-pastor Palestine Church of the Nazarene. For more information, visit www.debrawhitesmith.com.

Got a problem? E-mail Debra at askdebra@live.com